dinsdag 15 december 2009

my thoughts about the present, october the 6th

This is something I wrote on the 6th of october.

I succeeded in finding someone where I mean something to.
That feels really strange.
To mean something to someone.
''Why do I mean something to someone?'' goes through my mind.
I have never known this.
''Why have I never known this'' is another thought.
Friends always say I deserve someone sweet. Someone who cares about me.
How is it possible that only just now, at the age of 18, I found someone like that for the first time?
I was never really searching/looking.. But I was always on the look. And they say you will find someone than.
When you are not searching..?

Never happened. Only flirts. Like those people who actually don't want to put effort in it, in you,
or people who doesn't attract me, like not my type and stuff.
It is now dark outside and in fact I can watch in that way to my love history, if you could call that a love history...
Dark, no good times to look back for, because it never came that far.
They all dropped me; first let me swoon and then suddenly POOF they were gone.

''I don't want to wreck a friendship''. Hush me up and although all the stuff that happened giving me unclear hints.

''I have never said I would break up for you''. Just lie straight to me in the face, but when there is no one else around, saying something different.
''I am in love with you, I am going to end my relationship for you'' and so on.

''You are too young'' and then the next thing is that my parents find out about us and say we may not have any contact any longer.

Maybe I am overacting all of this. How do I know what it is to be in love, what real love is..?
But you could see it in a different way too. Maybe I am 'blowing it up'', because for me it feels like I am waiting and hoping for so long, until I find what I am longing for (and maybe deserve?).
I feel like a dramaqueen when I am reading this, but sometimes I feel so lonely that this really is what I am feeling.
Although I was thinking the other day; '' I am quite happy, I have great friends and everything is going fine.''
But at the moment I feel quite happy too. But in a different way..
Probably because I finally found/got my desire.

The final picture isn't complete yet.
I have lost a great friend, because of a stupid boy who is such a complete loser.
I (still) don't know what kind of education I want to do.
+ I still think its hard to make a balance with working, plan my (home)work and behave like I want to behave.
Sensible and patient and to be reasonable to my parents.

I hope to learn a lot of my new relationship.

Anyhow I am going to know a lot more happiness of a different category (I hope).

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